VFAQ

On my website (made for me by the phenomenally talented, and oh-so-patient Tamsin Baker) I have an FAQ section. This is mainly for enquiries regarding weddings and events – you know the drill. What I really want to put up, however, is a section of VFAQ.

VERY frequently asked questions (in case that wasn’t obvious from the acronym.)

I feel like the VFAQ might save me a lot of time, but I also worry that it might make me come across as a bit hostile and unaccepting of the world’s more curious folks. Which, let me tell you, is far from the case. I love curiosity in its many forms; it’s just that my least favourite form is when the curiosity beam is directed at someone pushing a large, heavy thing, and who, judging by her speed and sweat levels, is evidently running late.

So here they are! My VFAQ! WOW! 

Oh, now it looks like WOW was an acronym. It wasn’t. It was just the word ‘wow’. Just trying to add a little zest to proceedings.

• What kind of harp do you play? A full-size pedal harp – a Lyon & Healy Style 23, in ebony and gold. I fell in love with this model when I saw one belonging to a very kind man called David, who works at Holywell Music, a harp shop in London. He named his harp Margo, after the character on The Good Life, because ‘she thinks she’s a bit posh.’ I just love that. My harp was made in Chicago, and arrived in a box bigger than my bedroom. My friends and I spent all afternoon pushing each other around in it. (It was boarding school, I guess we didn't have much on that day.) 

• I also play a Thormahlen lever harp, and a Camac DHC light electric harp, both of which I love, and are much easier to get on the bus. 

• Does it have a name? I haven’t given it a name, because I wanted to name it after Harpo Marx, who I love, but Harpo seemed a silly name for a harp, so then I was going to use his real name, but that was Adolph, so I decided against it.

• How do you get that thing [the pedal harp] around?? I lay it flat in the back of a large car. For this reason, my mother wants me to drive a hearse – ‘SO practical! And you’d never have any trouble with road rage!’ - But I don’t think I’d much like people nodding at me, solemnly, wherever I go. Although I wouldn’t mind the occasional salute… OR I push it along in a trolley with pneumatic tires. I have walked with my harp for up to an hour and a half, through crowded streets, and over cobbles and hills – to which my biceps are testament. If only. 'Knots on a piece of string', as my gym teacher used to say (not letting that one go, it seems). It’s my poor back that takes the heat. And my thighs, but the less about that, the better.

• How much does it weigh? 81 lbs (37 Kg) 

• How much do you weigh? Not relevant. Next! 

• What’s that? It’s a harp! 

• Is that a piano? No, it’s a harp. 

• Is that a cello? No.

• Is that a guitar? … Sure. 

• That’s a big guitar! That’s not a question. Get out of this section!

• Do you ever wish you played the piccolo? Hey, thanks for asking! Every day. Is how often I get asked that question. Never, is how often I wish I played the piccolo. I wish it NEVER.

• What made you choose the harp? This is a tricky one. The ‘truest’ answer is that I’m not sure. I remember desperately wanting to play it as a child, but the whys and wherefores elude me. It was probably for as simple a reason as my coveting its beauty. This is a feeling that hasn’t gone away. Sometimes I think of my harp as an inanimate thing – be it a big heavy burden or a masterpiece of human craftsmanship. Sometimes I think of it as a friend, sometimes, an enemy. But I don’t think I have ever looked at my harp without marveling, for the tiniest of moments, at its beauty, and the surprising fact that I am allowed to touch it. 

                                                       

•  My harp and I need to get a room. A practice room (good one,  Katya.) Anyway, I think this feeling of awe can be pinpointed  to a particular moment in my childhood… 

[Sweeping, Misty Recollection Music (that doubles up as dream sequence music, and that ideal-scenario music you sometimes get in American sitcoms – more bang for your buck!) played on a harp, obviously. But not by me. What? Am I expected to star in AND accompany my own flashbacks now? I know I just said ‘more bang for your buck’ but Come On!] 

When I was about eight, my mum took me to see the London Symphony Orchestra play at the Barbican, in London. They were doing a special concert for children, and during the interval, they announced that you could go up and have a go on your instrument of choice. No contest. Screw you, Tuba! Off I toggled to get my little paws on that harp. However, I had not accounted for the fact that the harp might be a popular choice, and during the looooong time it took to queue up, I started feeling a bit unwell. Maybe it wasn’t even that long, eight year olds have quite short attention spans, as I recall. But I persevered. Must… touch… harp…! THEN, just as I was in clutching distance of the strings, my mitts had formed a harp-touching claw and — I fainted. Out cold on the floor. (The harpist was probably pleased to have this little Grabbing Gollum carried away, unconscious, by a security guard.) Was it excitement that made me faint? Nerves? Boring old Dehydration? To this day I have no idea. BUT I do know that I had the last laugh, (if you can call carting a harp around for the rest of my life ‘having the last laugh’) because I think it had a little to do with my parents finally giving in and saying that, yes, I could have harp lessons.

CUE MONTAAAAAAGE! [What? I have to make my own montage?? Ah, forget it.] 

That last one was perhaps a longer A than the Q warranted, but there you have it. My VFAQ!

(I think that acronym might just catch on, you guys!)